What did you hear me say?

#1 rule of communication. Listen to understand not to respond. The concept is this, let’s say you planned a 3-day staycation for self-care. Your stress and mental exhaustion are at its peak. You had ideas of what you wanted to eat and things on your joy list you were excited about doing.

Day 1, you ended up painting the wall a different color (not on your joy but task list) and waxing the floors. Day 2 you start to get anxiety because you only have 1day left so you get up early to make sure you check off the 12 "fun" things you wanted to do on your staycation. Day 3 you end up zoned out on the couch watching re-runs of Little House on the Prairie and start thinking about the things you have to follow up on at work.

You go back to work not feeling as rested as hoped. You missed the point of the staycation because you were so focused on the stuff that didn't matter at that time.

When we get into disagreements and arguments with our partners, we tend to go into defense mode. This leads to us focusing on the details vs the core message; "I emptied the dishwasher more than 6 times this month", "It wasn't 12 hours before I called you back it was 10", " If you want me to plan more dates and stop watching T. V, fine", etc... you get the point.

When we are in defense mode, we focus on how to just end the conversation quicker or we focus on the details to try to weaken our "opponents" defense. I WON!!!

We miss the core message...we miss an opportunity to understand our loved ones better. Its not about how many times you did a certain chore, its 'I feel overwhelmed and taken for granted'. Its not about you calling me back at 11pm, its about 'you making me feel like I'm an option vs a priority'. I don't' mind you watching T.V. but 'I feel alone in our relationship'.

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The Homework: Before you approach your partner about something that's weighing on your mind, think about why you're bringing the issue up before you do. WHY is it important to you...HOW does it affect you and speak to that more. Basically, if you start talking and its sounds like you’re giving a report to a police

officer of what transpired rethink your approach.

As the listener, pause before you respond. What is my love bunny trying to tell me? And its o.k. to say "I want to make sure I'm hearing what you're trying to say", then phrase what you feel they're trying to say. Lastly, remember tone is everything. The phrase "its not what you say but how you say it" is not just a catchy saying. It's a positive thing when your partner comes to you with how they feel, they value making the relationship stronger.